Ho-Hum Holidays

So my family and I celebrated Christmas yesterday on Christmas Eve...the first time ever we have had to break tradition. Normally we spend Christmas Eve at our grandparents opening presents, watching movies, and sticking bows on my dad while he sleeps. Christmas day is then spent with the whole family over...normal stuff. However, nothing was normal this Christmas. We had to celebrate it on the Eve because my mom had to work the day of. Now, I know my family is crazy...but I had no idea we had gotten this bad.

So we wake up and open presents...we're sane so far...then grandma comes over. The second grandma walks through the door she's already crying (nobody knows why anymore---we just assume its our fault and get over it). Anyways, she walks up to my mom and whispers to her, "Your father is drunk." Right. The only thing my grandpa drinks is tea and pepsi. So if he's drunk then hot damn, I'm drinking tea all day. We all shrug it off, cause me know grandma is crazy, and settle into the family room. My duty for the day consisted of getting everybody's drinks for dinner. So I hand my grandpa a pitcher of tea and ask everybody else what they want...tea was the popular drink. As I'm standing in the kitchen getting the drinks my grandma is sitting across the counter staring at me and my mom is cooking the mashed potatoes. Out of nowhere my grandma leans over the counter and says to my mother, "Nancy! Stacey has..." she then continues to make the hand motions of my belly growing out. Keep in mind, I'm only five feet away, in earshot, and staring right at her...so if she was trying to be conspicuous, you failed grandma. I'm watching her blatantly make these hand gestures and say to her, "No grandma, I'm not pregnant." Again she says, "Nancy, shes really..." Hand motions again. "Oh okay! You dont think I'm pregnant, you just think I'm fat. Okay. Right. Thanks. Yeah, okay, you can quit doing the hand motions now...no?...alright, then just keep doing them I guess." Needless to say I am now on a diet and grandma is now missing a few teeth. (Not to mention I got my revenge by hiding her legs. That was fun.) But this was just the beginning. It got so bad that my sister and I made up a game to entertain ourselves and deal with the brutal honesty that is grandma. We liked to call it "is grandma lying or telling the truth." Basically, the rules were that grandma would say something and we would then try to distinguish if she was lying or actually telling the truth...about 80% of the time it was lies.

In true Hoffman holiday fashion we spent the rest of the night all lounged in the living room in pain from eating so much. The margaritas came out, grandma went home, and we gathered around the t.v. watching "Elf", but mostly watching our pets. The dog was eating the carpet, the cat was eating tinsel, and dad was snoring. At one point the cat jumped in the tree and from then on out all we saw was the tree shaking and dancing...and meowing.

Todays been odd. Its weird to wake up feeling like its the day after Christmas while everybody is waking up to Christmas and opening their presents. Not to mention the weird feeling of being at home, but my real home is 600 miles from me...and I'm fat. Thanks grandma.