A Desperate Cry For Christ
So for the longest time I've been the biggest anti-blogger ever and refused time after time (with the insistence of my boyfriend) to start a blog of my own. I guess I always just assumed that they were for nerds that spent their whole day on the computer or liked to write all smart so people thought they were intelligent...you gotta admit though, im not too far off. However, today i found myself in an odd situation, which led me--sadly---to the blog world. So here it goes folks, the introduction of a newborn blogger....
Today was an interesting day. It started out like any other: wake up early, hit the snooze button and wake up 2 hours later than i was supposed to, go to class, doodle on notes, do errands, go to work, yada, yada, yada. However, something arose between the time i was doodling on my notes and the time i was to go to work....I lost heart. I had this overwhelming sense that I had lost my passion and i dont know why. It could have been the chick that cut me off in traffic and made me curse at her in my car, or maybe it was my manager being an idiot and making me curse him in my car, or maybe its just me. So as i was driving back to school to go to my last class, I found myself sitting in the parking lot and thinking, and all i could think was "where is my joy?"
Now dont get me wrong, there are many things I am happy about: I have the love an amazing man, whom i get to share an amazing relationship with. I have a great family that is both crazy and beyond loving and supportive. I have my health, I have an education, I have food (i would curse so many people out if i didnt have that), I have friends, I have a job (though i dont necessarily have money). So here is my question...why do i not have joy? And the answer was as simple as this--because as much as I like to think and pretend I do, I no longer have the relationship and the love of Christ I used to have.
With all this on my mind, it made it impossible for me to go to class. Instead, i found myself on the freeway driving back home, thinking the whole way. When i arrived home I found my Bible sitting on my desk and so i sat for a few minutes and looked at it and thought "well, hello! when was the last time i gave you the time of day or looked through you? When was the last time i talked to your author? More importantly, when was the last time i took a shower?" Suddenly overwhelmed by my body odor i hopped in the shower and let the water embrace me in my thoughts. When i got out of the bathroom, i realized that as powerful as soap is, it cannot wash away our worries and our stresses. And so i migrated my way to the kitchen, sat down at the table, and continued my staring contest with my Bible...and i broke down.
I remember i used to have such a passion for Christ. I used to have such a passion for reading my Bible and for digging through it and picking it apart verse by verse, and my journal clearly showed that. I read through my journal and my old studies--man i used to GET things. I understood things and i made connections and i had these awesome study times in my Bible. I'm looking through all these old entries and im like "wow, did i write that?". And they go on and on....and then i look at the last entry i wrote--July 19th. It was short, one page, so long ago. It seems like my relationship with Christ has become the same way: short, vague, not much there, and so long ago. What happened?
I used to love to serve people and to give to people. I used to have such a loving attitude and be so patient (well, patient-er). Now its all about me, me, me (my boyfriend can vouch for that). Where i would have a loving attitude i now find myself often cursing people under my breath. If somebody hurts me, i want to hurt them back--you cut me off, ill cut you right back, except ill cut deeper. You dont want to spend all your time with me then i dont want to spend any with you. This is who i am now. But how did I get here? More importantly, how do I get out of here?
So after having a stare-down with the Bible for about a half hour (he won...he always does) I finally realized that it started with my heart. So i picked it up and i read....and it was nice. But my fear is how many times im gonna have to post a blog like this in order to finally get the point and get my act back together. So pray for me...i need my passion back, i need my joy back, I need my God back...I miss Him.
Today was an interesting day. It started out like any other: wake up early, hit the snooze button and wake up 2 hours later than i was supposed to, go to class, doodle on notes, do errands, go to work, yada, yada, yada. However, something arose between the time i was doodling on my notes and the time i was to go to work....I lost heart. I had this overwhelming sense that I had lost my passion and i dont know why. It could have been the chick that cut me off in traffic and made me curse at her in my car, or maybe it was my manager being an idiot and making me curse him in my car, or maybe its just me. So as i was driving back to school to go to my last class, I found myself sitting in the parking lot and thinking, and all i could think was "where is my joy?"
Now dont get me wrong, there are many things I am happy about: I have the love an amazing man, whom i get to share an amazing relationship with. I have a great family that is both crazy and beyond loving and supportive. I have my health, I have an education, I have food (i would curse so many people out if i didnt have that), I have friends, I have a job (though i dont necessarily have money). So here is my question...why do i not have joy? And the answer was as simple as this--because as much as I like to think and pretend I do, I no longer have the relationship and the love of Christ I used to have.
With all this on my mind, it made it impossible for me to go to class. Instead, i found myself on the freeway driving back home, thinking the whole way. When i arrived home I found my Bible sitting on my desk and so i sat for a few minutes and looked at it and thought "well, hello! when was the last time i gave you the time of day or looked through you? When was the last time i talked to your author? More importantly, when was the last time i took a shower?" Suddenly overwhelmed by my body odor i hopped in the shower and let the water embrace me in my thoughts. When i got out of the bathroom, i realized that as powerful as soap is, it cannot wash away our worries and our stresses. And so i migrated my way to the kitchen, sat down at the table, and continued my staring contest with my Bible...and i broke down.
I remember i used to have such a passion for Christ. I used to have such a passion for reading my Bible and for digging through it and picking it apart verse by verse, and my journal clearly showed that. I read through my journal and my old studies--man i used to GET things. I understood things and i made connections and i had these awesome study times in my Bible. I'm looking through all these old entries and im like "wow, did i write that?". And they go on and on....and then i look at the last entry i wrote--July 19th. It was short, one page, so long ago. It seems like my relationship with Christ has become the same way: short, vague, not much there, and so long ago. What happened?
I used to love to serve people and to give to people. I used to have such a loving attitude and be so patient (well, patient-er). Now its all about me, me, me (my boyfriend can vouch for that). Where i would have a loving attitude i now find myself often cursing people under my breath. If somebody hurts me, i want to hurt them back--you cut me off, ill cut you right back, except ill cut deeper. You dont want to spend all your time with me then i dont want to spend any with you. This is who i am now. But how did I get here? More importantly, how do I get out of here?
So after having a stare-down with the Bible for about a half hour (he won...he always does) I finally realized that it started with my heart. So i picked it up and i read....and it was nice. But my fear is how many times im gonna have to post a blog like this in order to finally get the point and get my act back together. So pray for me...i need my passion back, i need my joy back, I need my God back...I miss Him.
posted by stacey at 4:08 PM
12 Comments:
Thanks for your thoughts and know that you are not alone. I wish I had something profound to say, but alas I am empty. I have been so dry myself for so long, that I have nothing to pour out to you. Which is proof that there are those that struggle with you, right along side you, and desire to be there to help you walk. I miss our talks.
my profound statement...stay out of you car...it seem to encourage cursing.
also...who are you connecting with up there? and when are you coming down with all of us? humm? just a thought.
take care of jasen up there this week.
Yeah, when are you coming down? For good? I need you here. I'm sick of hanging out with Jasen and Amanda and seeing them be all up on each other... ;) Love you Stace!!
nikki! i miss you too! so how are you liking cali? hows cali liking you?
amanda, you dont know how true it is that my car encourages cursing, thats where most of it takes place. along with my phone being thrown around...i mean, no i dont. and i will actually be down there this weekend, starting thursday...permanently i will be down there hopefully next september.
jeff, i love you babe and i will see you in 2 days!!!!
Stacey, good to see you joined the blogging world. I enjoyed your entry and be encouraged. It was so good to see you last weekend, I miss hanging out with you. I hope that the wrestling match continues because at least you have some desire to be back in the arms of Jesus. The more time you spend with Him the more time you'll crave so keep it up, even when you don't want to or "don't have time." 5 minutes makes a difference. love you and praying for you.
Hey Stace! I'm gonna jump on the bandwagon and say that I miss you too! We've got a tight place to live down here for $500 a month if you're interested! ;) We need roomies! I'd love to see you soon! - P
Alyssa!
Its funny that you say that because i was listening to a sermon my pastor did and he was talking about obedience. He stood before the congregation and he said out loud "ill be honest folks, and i dont mean to scare you, but there are days when i dont want to read my bible." and he goes on to talk about how it just happens that we have those days, the difference is that we dont "allow" ourselves those days, we dont compromise, we have to be obedient and read be in the Bible, whether we feel like it or not. Because if we let ourselves do that and compromise saying "i dont feel like it..my heart isnt it, " then the devil gets a foothold and soon everyday becomes one of those days. moral of the story...stacey needs to learn obedience and discipline. ALSO! im so sorry we didnt get to hang out more this weekend, i was kind of bummed! but at least we got to see each other and make fun of nunn together..even if it was briefly. I miss you!
Paula,
Same goes for you, I miss you! And where the hell are you living for only $500--wait, is this apiece, or over all? But maybe ill see you this weekend, I will be down there from thursday-sunday afternoonish and i would love to hang with you guys--all of you guys--and grab some drinks or something. we'll give you a call. anyways, i dont think comments are supposed to be this long so...PEACE!
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Jasen Ashdown! You are such a drunk, and thats what i respect about you...kidding. So...uhh...about being in norcal and not calling in or dropping a note...ouch. its cool, its not like were friends or anything, or like we cussed at each other during summer, or that you were in a band with my boyfriend. no, dont worry about it, its cool.
Hey! Ya, I really want to see you this weekend! I'm living in east Yorba Linda, in a $1.2 million dollar home, 6 bedrooms, 4 baths, a waterfall, jacuzzi... blah, blah, blah... and it's $500/mo per person. We desperately need more roomates to fill the empty spaces!! You should totally move down here! I think Nikki really wants to next semester, but we'll see how it all works out. I will see you sometime over the next few days!
Hi, thanks!!!
You are very strong.
Kisses
Who the heck are these creepy people posting on my girlfriends site? Back off homeboy! She's mine. Forever! Peace out ya'll!
Post a Comment
<< Home